Hottest Spring Accessory of 2018: Jawlines

01 March 2018 8:24pm PT

J. Carmen Price


What does my neighbor across the hall, the US Olympic figure skater by the name of Adam Rippon and celebrity sex addict Russel Brand have in common? A killer jawline. Well, not Russel Brand. I just like to throw his name around in casual conversation.


A strong jawline or, at least, a defined lower mouth region, has long been fashionable. (And now, it has become easily accessible and socially acceptable, but more on that later.)


On the celebrity side, we have Jennifer Anniston, Superman and all the Spice Girls. On the normal human side, we have about fifty-one percent of most frat boys…until they hit junior year when the beer catches up and they inflate like my yoga ball.


It has been scientifically proven that heterosexual women are attracted to men with strong jawlines. Homosexual women are also probably attracted to men with strong jawlines, because that’s exactly how deeply biological the influence of a chiseled chin really is. And as far as the male’s interest in jawlines of another individual–men are men are men, so, yes, they’ll bang.


Beyond science, if you take this debate to the streets (by way of Google or any one of your favorite search engines), you will find a plethora of articles, studies, chat forums, Reddit threads, on and on and on about jawlines. Most agree that, yes, this particular face feature is more likely to lead towards physical attraction as opposed to, I don’t know, having to win someone over with your stunning personality and hilarious impressions of Donald Trump.


But who cares about the other person? You are a strong, independent *insert noun of choice here*. You don’t need no approval. You don’t need no one attracted to you. You also don’t need no double chin which is why, for the low price of $5,000 you can get your dream jawline TODAY by your local plastic surgeon.


And no one will judge you! Indeed, everyone will say your insecurities did not get you the surgery. Your sensitive self-love simply unwrapped a whole new part of yourself that you had all along. Indeed, you love yourself so much that you want to be the best you that you can be so if it’s breaking your jaw and sucking the gunky fat cells out underneath and hammering it back into place, you do you boo boo, because #selflove


So, save that rainy day money and love yourself. Rolls and all.


Or…spend that rainy day money and love yourself with a damn fine sexy ass jawline.


Your choice.

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