The Straight White Male Experience, Part the Second

Last time, we established that there is nothing special about being a Straight White Male (SWM). I attempted to delve into the reasons behind such a phenomena. I found three.


  1. It’s an issue of supply and demand.


Just look around. SWM’s are everywhere, reeking of Ralph Lauren Blue.


They dominate tech, sales and any other occupation that requires a Patagonia nanopuff vest paired with an indifference to cocaine usage during the workday. They just show up, toothy and fresh-faced, to ivy league alumni reunions, rugby games and Equinox weight rooms. They crowd the 30x from Marina to FiDi in the early morning dew of deals-to-close Monday through Thursday. On Fridays, they post up at a neighborhood Philz until exactly 4:55pm and then they take off their corporate monkey masks and put on their weekend warrior Allbirds and everything is for the boys.


  1. It’s an issue of image. (Isn’t everything?)


If you identify as a SWM, then you are not just competing with other men. You are competing with every other SWM, which is worse, because chances are, there exists a better looking, more successful SWM no further than 15ft away. They are everywhere, remember? It would be so much easier to be, like, Hispanic. Or sexually ambiguous. Or disabled, now that is super unique and may require some creativity in bed, but so worth it for the pity-fuck.


  1. It’s an issue of morality.


The first five minutes of the SWM experience out in the real world goes like this:

Normal average SWM walking along, minding his own business.

He has brown hair.

Matt Damon has brown hair.

This SWM is basically Matt Damon.

Every SWM is Matt Damon.








And on and on.


The SWM, thanks to his Aryan appearance and heterosexual appetite, has been thoroughly vilified by our culture.


As this is a Beauty column, I will not attempt to delve into the social, economical and political significances of this sort of denunciation of an entire people group. I will, however, offer three words of wisdom to those of my readers who do indeed identify as SWM.


First, you are beautiful just the way you are as long as you are hitting the gym 4-5 times a week.
Second, this wave of extreme feminism and pro-marginalized-groups will pass and you will once more be king of the castle.


Third, sure, size does matter, but no one wants to get impaled. If you rock what you got, she won’t care how big it is.


Dear SWM: you are heard, you are valued and you are not forgotten.


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