Straight White Male Experience, Part the Third (& Final)

First of all, if you haven’t read the utterly brilliant article by my equally utterly brilliant colleague, Martin Camus, stop right now and go read it. He did not pay me to say this. I need not be paid by Camus nor anyone else to promote good work. And that is exactly what his article is – good, gospeltruthandletussayamen, work.


Moving along, it is an established fact that all things must come in three’s:


Snap, crackle, pop.


Boobs, legs, ass.


Rinse, wash, repeat (this one doesn’t actually count, but okay.)


So here we have the third installment of this series. Perhaps there will be more in the future. But most likely not – I’m a little bored of it and I want to talk about nipple piercings, nipple injections inspired by Kendall Jenner’s pair of salamis, basically anything to do with nipples because didn’t you know they’ve been trending since 2016? I knew.


So, to recap:  We have wrestled with the sad reality of what exactly it means to be a SWM and the current situation surrounding this undervalued people group (here). We have fought to understand the reasons why (here).


And now, in the words of SWM representative, Mike Rowe (yes, as in of Dirty Jobs), “I’m looking forward to the future and feeling grateful for the past.”


Indeed, SWM. It’s time to get it up for yourself. Rise, SWM, rise.


Rise by looking forward to the future. You are not facing total wipeout. Just semi-permanent insignificance. I say semi-permanent, because, yes, you will most likely be wiped from Hollywood (who knows – maybe People will choose a China man for Sexiest Man Alive. Stranger things have happened.)  Sure, you have been shamed into assuming the role of antagonist when it comes to anything political or ethical.  And still: you can rise above.


Rise by clinging to the past, when you ran with the Mad Men, when you had whiskey and women at your beck and call, when you could speak your opinion without retribution via Twitter. Oh happy golden years!


Rise by knowing that you are in good company. Mark Zuckerberg, Elvis Presley, George Washington (actually most founding fathers/mothers with the exception of these fifteen fruitcakes).


And now, listen to this song. It mocks the plight of the SWM. But we (and yes, as a straight ambiguously ethnic woman, I say we in solidarity with you, my brothers) will make it our anthem. The SWM – never forgotten, never truly gone. I salute you.

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