Grow a Pair: Open Advice for Trading in an Ornery Market

Thank God some of us still have sense enough to ante up and ride through the nosedive of a little market funk. Sure, this was a hairy one, and I can see the freak bulge brokers and hedge fund Hasidim feasting on fingernail, going all point and Dexter, hiding behind theories of like equilibrium, index funds, the grand fucking illusion that is an efficient market – sure, I get you probably saw the Dow shed 300 points at the top of this week and had flashbacks to Obama-era mortgage meltdowns and Dodd-Frank, but come on. You motherfuckers make me sick. This is the American rock’n’roll market we’ve been pining for since like Alan Greenspan fucked off at the tail-end of the Dubya administration. Now, we’ve got a god damn cowboy at the lever, killing regs, reversing GDP ratios, skirting tax law, and you can’t prop up a fucking FAANG economy without consulting your shrink because of a little shit talk over trade coups with China? Stay the course, asshole. I’m just glad there are some red-blooded American republicans left shaking down the trade floors of like the NYSE and CME.

I’m sure you were happy to learn the market snapped it’s little hiccup early yesterday morning, so like olly olly oxen free, you complete cheapskates. The Dow rallied this morning, up like 50 points right off the bell. We’re over 24k right now.

This morning’s winners are Visa (V) up three and a half percent, Intel (INTC) up a point, Microsoft (MSFT) up a point and a half, Johnson and Johnson (JNJ) up half a point, and Proctor and Gamble (PG) up almost half a point. We’ll always need Tide and Band-Aids.

Social Media is performing this morning. Facebook (FB), Twitter (TWTR), Snap (SNAP), Alphabet (GOOGL) – all green across the board. Facebook is up nine percent after surges on ad revenue, and good for them. What was that whole jayvee congressional wrist slapping anyway? We all know these people trade in human souls.

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